11/30/2021
Leading up to today… all I could muster inside my head was “I canNOT believe I have to do chemo again.”
Like… I knew I would have to do the hard-hitting IV chemo again eventually (stage 4 life, am I rite?) but did not expect it to be this soon. I had a plan and it did NOT include this for many years!!
But once again, this always planning, hater of the unknown, non-spontaneous, unsure-of-what-she-believes-in woman is reminded again that plans are nice…but some things are just above our pay grades.
When I walked into the infusion center today, I saw the same chemo nurse who was by my side throughout my early stage chemo regimen. Yesterday, she saw my name on the infusion center list for today and (now that she has been promoted to the boss!!!! Most deserved!!!!) she made it clear that she was to be at my cancer center every Tuesday that I will be here. She has again gone way above and beyond the call of duty.
But that act right there brought back my fighter mentality. I survived the toughest chemo with minimal side effects (go ahead, Google “strongest chemo ever” Or something like that… 20 bucks says “doxorubicin” aka Adriamycin, aka red devil will pop up) so I can do this too!
It allowed me to be at enough peace to breathe and surrender. Because, as I am reminded again and again, throughly all the horrible hands I’ve been dealt… some things are in our hands (self-advocating to the nurses to ensure I get in for chemo ASAP when there were delays)…and other things are not (having chemo on the exact right day to have Bernadette by my side).
When I switched my mindset and focused on the good… things started to shift, internally and externally.
I was able to chat briefly with another young woman going through my past chemo routine, and share tips and tricks that helped me back in the day. I was able to give and receive love. I was able to see bravery. I was able to feel gratitude. And as much as Matt is a pain in my ass, forcing water down my throat so I stay hydrated… I was able to experience the physical transformation of our spoken vows from 11 years ago - in sickness and health. He has never left my side, and I know he never will.