05/29/2024
I like to write. Does anyone know of a good place to blog now? I'm an OG Livejournal guy and as much as you LOVE my Facebook rants, I might want to share some more personal things as part of my therapy. Also - He's not being ferocious - He was yawning :)
With my Superpower, writing often helps me organize my thoughts a bit better. Plus, I'm a pretty good writer. There was a time when I was "internet famous" just for my columns. It's one of those weird crossover things with some of my "other" hats - Getting the chance to write television for wrestling and help direct/produce/commentate shows is VERY much going to be my "happy place" as I make some life-adjustments and focus more on what I actually LOVE to do versus what I feel I NEED to do. By the way - I'm available to fly out, help you organize your wrestling show, have a better presentation, even do post-production voiceover commentary. For real, I'm really good at it, but mostly you'd be doing me a HUGE favor for letting me have the opportunity to work in the field that I love more than anything else on this planet.
I met with my new Psychiatrist yesterday, and feel light years better as a result. The team I was working with out in Bumf**k did not seem to understand me and my very "non traditional" day-to-day. The new doctor said, "so wait... you have like, 8 jobs?"
Well yes but in my defense, that's progress!
I had an anxiety attack on Monday while I was up in Geneva. It literally came out of nowhere - I was having an AWESOME day. I had the chance to hang out with a lot of the people who I have made friends with over the last 14+ years playing up there. It felt comfortable. It felt like I "fit in" and for someone with the type of social anxiety that I have... That says a LOT. I made it my focus to try to work more around GOTL this season. I don't think this is ANY type of bombshell to say: I am hard to understand sometimes. S**t, sometimes *I* don't understand me. But the level of love and support I feel when I am at my cottage in GOTL is something that I can't replicate anywhere else in the world that I go.
I think it's a weird mix for me. Saturday I was emotional thinking about my journey playing at The Cove Niteclub over the last 14 years. I thought about my Grandmother, for whom Geneva was ALWAYS the place she was most happy. Surrounded by her family, people watching, cooking 10 pounds of pasta for family dinner. In fact, one of the pieces of writing that I went "viral" with was the Eulogy that I wrote for her when she left us. Geneva was in there. It means a lot to me. It's why I am excited to be up there more this Summer. I'm the oldest boy in a massive Italian family. I feel a certain sense of obligation to make sure that my mother and her loved ones are taken care of. It's amazing how much of Gram I see in my mom now. If you know me at all, you know that is literally the highest compliment I can pay to anyone.
So I was sitting at this AMAZING remodeled bar and cried thinking about Gram - About the times I played at The Cove and played Neil Young for her. I played harmonica - Gram always loved when I played harmonica during my shows. We had a very different setlist back then. Shout out to Big Pete for always keeping me in line.
So my anxiety attack on Monday.
For a decade, I did not get along with the "house" sound guy in Geneva. More specifically, HE did not get along with ME. If you are in the music business and have an understanding of the "typical" sound guy, you could understand how especially 10 years ago, I as a lead singer MAY have rubbed him the wrong way.
My buddy Bob posted this today, and it resonated SO much. (and I'm way paraphrasing) - EVERYONE makes mistakes. The trick is - Some of us LEARN from those mistakes and do our best NOT to make those SAME mistakes over and over... But then some people never learn.
We do our best to love them and support them and hope that they do better.
I talked about this in therapy today. My Geneva sound guy and I almost literally came to blows a few years ago when our gig got rained out and we had the opportunity to actually talk. If you know me even a LITTLE bit, you know how non-confrontational I am. It was a couple hours of me trying to find common ground, kill him with kindness, generally NOT be a "lead singer" and him be a "sound guy" but it got to a point where I was like dude... Either you gotta be nice or I have to punch you in the head. Thankfully as always, Pete knows how to smooth things over.
Fast forward - That sound guy is one of my most favorite people. It didn't happen overnight. Christ, it didn't happen overYEAR - But one of my proudest shows as a performer was a couple of years ago when I played Sportsterz and he "bet" me that I could not beat the "record" for... and this MAY not be how it's listed in the Guinness Book of World Records - "Guy performing who drank the most shots in the history of mankind without dying/falling off of the stage."
For some reason, my new friend was VERY invested in me holding that record.
.. And I do. Suck it, Mike.
I think that takes me back to why I am so emotional to start this Summer. I made my peace a LONG time ago that I am NOT for everyone. I'm hard to understand and I don't always make it easy for people to "know" me - But I am also at a point where I am SO BLESSED to have a very small core of people who DO "get" me and especially now, when sometimes I don't even understand myself - I can't express how fu***ng absolutely lucky I am.
I'm going to stick to the rivers and the lakes that I'm used to.
So tl;dr - I need more wrestling/commentary gigs. I love Geneva and the area and I'm pumped to be up there this season. I love my mama. Thank you to EVERYONE who always has given me the patience and grace and understanding so an awkward autistic kid who is the adult poster child for ADHD can still feel like he belongs.
And thank you for your support on my journey. Hey, there are some awesome travel deals with SSS Travel - especially for Disney! Hey! I would love to do commentary for you! Hey! If you have a winery around Ashtabula I'd love to play music for you every week!
Peace and Love. Always coming to you with Peace and Love.
