07/26/2026
I don't tend to do these "before and after" pictures anymore, because let's be real - I have been sick and haven't thought I look very good enough to be proud about it... but then this photo came up in my memories and it really bothered me. Probably not for the reasons you'd think though.
This was the summer of 2019, 7 years ago. I was feeling pretty good (manageable I should say), but something was brewing and I was starting to feel weird for about two years at this point. I had started having pulsating tinnitus in my right ear, which is a very loud heartbeat in your ear (that's not supposed to happen, incase you're wondering. If you have that please look into psudotumor cerebri.). I kept telling my doctor I felt like a tumor was pressing out of my head because I could feel something pushing out that was not supposed to be there, and my hearing was getting worse by the day.
I look like maybe I on prednisone with that moon face, but I was not. I look swollen, which I've found that when the pressure is up in my brain, my face does get swollen sometimes. I look like I've been sitting home and just eating, I've never been that way, I barely eat. I look like I've been drinking my life away, when in reality, I hadn't been a drinker for a while at that point. My living and relationship situation was pretty bad back then (I was not with Nick yet.) so I was stressed about that. Also, it turns out idiopathic intracranial hypertension can cause something called empty sella syndrome, which I have, and it can mess with your cortisol levels and your weight, because it totally compresses your pituitary gland, which I think is actually what was going on here. High cortisol, and developing the psudotumor in my brain causing pressure in my head and face. So I looked like absolute s**t.
Back then, I am sure people were whispering "jeez Beckys gained weight" - especially at the wedding I was at in this photo - it was all people who do not like me (and guess what, I don't like them either - I left the wedding to go swimming instead lol) and always loved to judge me no matter what I did (they're not in my life anymore, don't worry and thank God.)... when in reality, I was not doing anything wrong to look like that, I was developing this psudotumor in my brain and my body was probably so pi**ed I was not doing anything about it!
I have absolutely lost weight since this picture, but not much! I don't think I even look like myself in this picture - but it's because I was getting really sick with a serious brain disease plus probably had really high cortisol and had no idea. ***doesn't help that I had an inadequate p*p who didn't pick up on ANYTHING even when I told her all the symptoms for years, thanks Dr Marieski - I digress.
My whole point of posting this isn't to be like "look how much better I look now!"... because honestly, I still look sick and I know it. I've been cleaning all day, and look a hot mess, I'm just showing you the difference in my face when the pressure is getting under control and so is my cortisol levels. I'm still chunky, and always will be... I'm chunky because I'm sick, not sick because I'm chunky. It is what it is. 🤷🏼♀️
My point is - I just want to share that people are around you all the time that are sick and they may or may not know it yet... and they look different than they usually do. They are most likely aware, trust me. They are most likely feeling crappy physically and also crappy about their appearance. It's so hard to be sick while you take this journey through life... you know how hard life is healthy, imagine having the flu all day every day and still having to function? That's pretty much what it's like to have chronic illnesses. Imagine feeling ugly on top of it, then having people tell it about it? Or judging you for it. Agh. No Bueno.
So please, if you see someone looking like absolute crap, don't let them know... they know. Find something nice to say to them. Be a friend. Don't look away and act like they're not there (in general, not just when you run into them), we notice that too. Just please try your best to be kind. No one wants to be sick, that's hard enough, nevermind looking sick on top of it!
I guess the whole point of this is, be a friend to your sick friend. Even if they look different... they might be fragile, but they still need friends. Maybe now more than ever. Plus, commenting negatively on appearance is ugly behavior anyways, but you already knew that. 💜
We're being older, it's gonna happen more and more... just wanted to share my point of view, in hopes that it'll help others look past what people look like, and just love on their friends for who they are .
Thank you for being a good friend, in advance.
Ps, please share ways that you've been a good friend to someone sick in your life! It may help give others great ideas!
