05/08/2026
SHREVEPORT, LA - In an unprecedented move that city officials are calling “community engagement” and residents are calling “you’ve got to be kidding me,” the City of Shreveport has officially launched a public crowdfunding campaign to save its collapsing water infrastructure.
That’s right. Years after reassuring citizens that the system was “stable,” “fully operational,” and “well maintained,” leadership has now pivoted to what experts are referring to as the digital equivalent of standing on a highway exit ramp holding a cardboard sign.
The campaign, titled “Pipes, Prayers & Positive Vibes,” hopes to raise hundreds of millions of dollars to repair water mains, stabilize pressure, stop random neighborhood flooding, and possibly prevent toilets from making sounds usually associated with demonic possession.
According to officials, funding shortages forced the city to make “difficult decisions” over the years.
Among those difficult decisions:
A six figure “office modernization initiative” reportedly managed by somebody’s brother in law who once installed a ceiling fan successfully on the second try.
A taxpayer funded “leadership retreat” in Hawaii involving golf outings, oceanfront dining, and multiple seminars on “sustainable vision planning.”
Several highly important consulting contracts designed to determine why residents keep complaining about infrastructure failures immediately after infrastructure failures.
Officials insist every dollar was necessary.
“We had to prioritize the future,” one administrator stated while standing in front of a leaking pipe wrapped in caution tape and hope.
The crowdfunding page itself offers several donation tiers for concerned residents:
$5 - Patch One Leak
$25 - Delay One Boil Advisory
$100 - Sponsor A Corroded Pipe
$500 - Temporary Water Pressure Restoration
$1,000 - Get Added To The ‘Thoughts & Prayers’ Email List
Residents, meanwhile, appear less enthusiastic.
“I’d donate,” one citizen said, “but my water bill already looks like I’m personally financing the Mississippi River.”
Another resident stated their faucet currently produces “three colors and two emotions.”
City leadership remains optimistic the public will rally behind the effort, noting that if every resident donates just enough money to skip groceries for a month, the city may be able to replace at least one pipe installed sometime during the Theodore Roosevelt administration.
At press time, officials were reportedly considering a second crowdfunding campaign to repair damage caused by the first crowdfunding campaign not raising enough money.
More to follow.
