01/16/2026
Dear Sam,
My husband and I are struggling with the fallout of maintaining boundaries we set years ago with his sister. His has a long history of violent, manipulative, and unsafe behavior. Because of this, we made a clear decision several years ago that we will not be around her and we will not expose our children to her. This boundary wasn’t impulsive or emotional, it was made after repeated incidents and serious concerns for safety. We have never asked anyone else to cut her off only to respect that we won’t attend events where she is present. The problem is that much of the family continues to excuse or minimize her behavior. Whenever she offers a brief apology or appears temporarily stable, our boundaries are treated as unreasonable or punitive. We are pressured to “move on,” even though nothing has changed. As a result, we are often excluded from family gatherings or forced to choose between our boundaries and participating in traditions. This has become especially painful as our children get older and notice when we aren’t there. We feel heartbroken and exhausted. We want our children to have relationships with extended family and to participate in holidays and traditions. But we also believe it’s our responsibility to keep them safe and to model healthy boundaries even when that means being misunderstood. Needless to say this past holiday we were excluded. Are we being too hard by holding firm to a boundary we set long ago for safety reasons? And how do we cope with the guilt and family pressure when maintaining that boundary means missing out on important moments?
