09/29/2022
Drs. John and Julie Gottman are out with a new book—“The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy”—and have graciously agreed to join me on the next two episodes of “Unlocking Us.” (Bonus: Ashley, Barrett, and I will then sit down for a third episode in this series, on October 12, to break down what we’ve learned.)
Sharing a huge learning from the book about what happens when we focus on what’s wrong:
“Here’s what happens in distressed relationships, over and over: We all have needs. We all have valid desires. But we don’t say them. We drop hints. We suggest. We stay safely in the shadows. We hope our partners will ‘just know.’
“We tell ourselves a story about why they should be able to figure it out without us having to say it (‘It’s obvious! It’s just common sense!’), and we believe it. Then, when our partners fail to magically fulfill those needs, we feel resentful. We begin to believe that our partners don’t care, are thinking only about themselves, are too busy for us, or no longer value the relationship as they once did.
“And so we criticize them. ‘You always.’ ‘You never.’ These red flag phrases alert us that a couple is in shaky territory: the negative perspective might be starting to set in.
“They’re scanning for what’s wrong, and losing the capacity to notice what’s right.
“And the end result is criticism, which is when we take aim at who someone fundamentally is, instead of distinguishing between the person and the action.”
Join us for these podcasts on —they’re direct, honest, and actionable!
https://bit.ly/3CgwyPy
