03/14/2025
The woman standing next to me made a subtly racist comment. A microaggression, if you will. The two other people we were with made faces similar to mine, and one made a comment back in gentle but clear disagreement. I made a disgusted face at the woman, said goodbye to the other people and walked away. Sometimes I speak up in these situations. And sometimes, I am *tired*.
As a racially ambiguous person, I'm used to hearing such comments. Many years ago when my hair was straight, I would hear blatantly racist jokes and even the n-word on occasion. It was upsetting, of course, but I was also grateful that people revealed who they really were.
People are revealing who they really are.
I expect a whole lot more of this over the next few years.
If you are a kind and loving white person, cisgender person, heterosexual person, wealthy person, and/or other person with privilege and power, I have a heartfelt request.
When you hear nonsense spoken out in the world, PLEASE SAY SOMETHING.
Yes, it's easier to avoid conflict. Yes, it's uncomfortable and potentially even dangerous. Are you willing to be uncomfortable and even, perhaps, a little less safe in order to create more safety for others?
My black and brown brothers and sisters can't hide their identities. Some of my trans friends can't, either. And my gay friends sure would like to be able to simply hold the hand of the person they love in public without fear of violence against them.
Perhaps your voice can change this.
I've heard "I want to speak up but I don't know that to say" from several people recently, so I'm working on a list of responses. Some are appropriate if you simply want to express your disagreement, and some are for when you're available for further conversation. Here's what I have so far:
"Hold on now, what you just said is effed up."
"I don't agree with that." (Or if you're available for a conversation, then...)
"I don't agree with that. Where did you get that information?"
"Whoa, that's not true. Are you available to have a conversation about that?"
"That's not cool. I think you should apologize to them."
"Hmm, what makes you think that?"
"That's a terrible thing to say."
What might you add? What has worked for you when you've spoken up against racism, misogyny, transphobia, and other ignorance or hate?
It's vital that we each speak up as often as possible, especially when we're one-on-one with someone like a friend, colleague, or family member. To be clear, this isn't about starting arguments or debates, or shaming anyone. We don't need any more "othering" or divisiveness. To me, this is simply about using your voice to advocate for kindness and compassion.
I'll also say that, when nonsense is spoken in front of a historically marginalized person, directly holding space for the person can sometimes feel supportive, depending on your relationship with the person, and if you can do so without trying to "save" them or trying to fix anything. Simply saying something like "I imagine that was hard to hear. Would you like a hug?", or "Is there anything else I can do to support you in this moment?" might feel helpful (ideally after you've spoken up to the person who made the comment). I've had friends do this for me on a handful of occasions and I can't tell you how comforting it was to know that someone else was aware of the harm caused. I'll probably share these stories at some point. They were profound and created a greater feeling of safety for me. I'd love for you to do that for someone, too. 💓
Photo: me straightening my crown at my last hair appointment. 👑 Thanks to my Emmy-nominated loctician, Antoinette Black, for this photo!
