Francesca Patruno - Wedding Officiant

12/09/2024

The Simple Formula That Keeps Couples Happy
By Alice Rosati December 3, 2024
There’s a famous line in Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina: “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” The book is fiction, but some psychologists argue that happy couples really do have something in common: they observe the 5:1 formula. According to this concept, for every negative interaction that occurs during an argument—such as being critical, dismissive, or defensive—there should be five or more positive interactions.
The Gottman Institute notes that the simple rule was conceived by psychologists John M. Gottman and Robert W. Levenson, who began studying couples back in the 1970s by asking them to resolve a disagreement within a short window of time. By observing how they approached resolving arguments, they came to predict with more than 90% accuracy which of the couples would stay together and which would divorce. They concluded that maintaining a certain number of positive interactions during moments of conflict is the secret to a stable and lasting relationship, and that it takes at least five positive interactions to overcome one negative one.
According to Dr. Gottman, arguments are inevitable in all marriages—including healthy ones—but both parties should endeavor to quickly repair things. “Anger only has negative effects in marriage if it is expressed along with criticism or contempt, or if it is defensive,” Gottman explains in his 1994 book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last.
Dr. Gottman outlined simple interactions that can help couples to appreciate one another even in moments of disagreement, and can serve to strengthen a relationship over time. Below, an overview:
Showing interest
When your partner complains about something, do you listen? Are you curious about exactly why they are so upset? Showing interest by asking follow-up questions, or through body language, is a simple way to make them feel heard, and reassure them you are taking the problem seriously.
Expressing affection
Within a discussion, expressions of affection and physical and verbal closeness reduce stress—it lets the other person know you are ultimately going to solve the problem together.
Making small—but meaningful—gestures
According to experts at the Gottman Institute, small gestures of attention and demonstrations of affection, when repeated over time, have a positive impact on a relationship. They are “buffer” signals that count towards those all-important positive interactions during a disagreement.
Focusing on common ground
Emphasizing the points that you do agree on during an argument will help you to resolve things more swiftly.
Empathizing and apologizing
Empathy is one of the deepest forms of human connection, a way of making another person feel understood and loved. Keep this in mind when you and your significant other disagree.
Accepting the other person’s perspective
You can acknowledge another person’s different point of view without necessarily agreeing with it. It is a way to make the other person feel respected.
Sharing a joke
Playful teasing can help to ease the tension, even in a heated argument.

According to this magical formula, laid out by psychologist John M. Gottman, the strongest relationships are based on a precise balance of positive and negative interactions.

10/24/2024

So grateful for my Beloved Russ. I received this beautiful card for my birthday by a local artist, Renee, Thompson. My wish for this day is that YOU are enjoying sublime well-being, loving everywhere you look, peace in you heart, and joyous connections with ALL.
May PEACE prevail on Earth.

08/26/2024

I usually don't post stories, but this one, written by one of the men who lived it, I read and saved from the late 80's, early 90's, is something that touches my heart still. If you have the time and are in the mood to be touched by the experience of these two men and a teddy bear, read on...

TEDDY
By John R. Jamison (Santa Barbara Independent, 1989-ish)

"At first, I saw only a blur flash by my office window. I had been reading when bright blue caught my eye, then was gone between the shrubs.
Oh well, none of my business. But it came again, and this time it was a man wearing a filthy blue jacket and the vacant look of a street dweller. Why he was bumbling around in the bushes outside my window started to interest me, so I killed the light and waited. On the third trip I saw his face.
Surrounded by scraggled, matted red-brown fur were deep brown eyes and a pitted, crooked nose. Beneath the eyes, puffy little triangles of dirty skin gave way to whiskers. There was no forehead-only a tangled place where eyebrows and hair seemed to weave themselves together.
Just a bum, you’d say if you saw him on the street. But I saw his eyes too well. Behind the mirrored window I was invisible to him, and had no need to avoid looking into his eyes the way you do on the street. He was frightened, and so vulnerable that he frightened me. And there was something else about him. I couldn’t decide whether he was slightly re****ed or just different – very from all the people I know.
As I watched it became clear what he was up to. He rolled up a dismal red sleeping bag and hurried back through the bushes to where two other armfuls of his possessions lay waiting by the sidewalk. He gave a last apprehensive look at my window as he hastily gathered up his bundles, then left as fast as he could, limping a little as he went.
Apparently, my Saturday morning arrival-turning on the light in my office, probably slamming the door-had awakened him. No doubt he had seen me before I turned the light off. He decided-no probably just reacted out of automatic patterns-to beat it.
I stood there thinking about him, wondering what it would be like to approach every evening with the question, “Where can I sleep tonight?” How many bushes and w**d patches did he have to check each time? What made his final choice “right”? And, God almighty, how did the feel while he was unrolling that battered bed?
Somehow, I couldn’t stop my thoughts, and I went out. Down the hall and out the front door. I walked around to the side of the building to see where he had spent last night. It was easy to see where he had lain in the grass, huddled against the side of the building directly under my window. A candy wrapper was all the remained. But then I looked more closely and saw it.
Leaning against the base of one of the bushes, sadder than the man who had hurried away, was a weathered teddy bear. He had eyes that didn’t match; one was simply a white button. Most of his fur was worn away, and a wisp of stuffing was escaping under one arm. He sat flat on his bottom, leaning a little to his right, alone.
My heart jammed with panic and pain. How could he have forgotten his bear? He must have been horribly afraid. How long would it be before he realized that his little companion was still back here? What would he do?
I went back inside and tried to work, but I couldn’t concentrate with that poor bear outside my window. I wondered if I should take the bear and drive over to the area where homeless people gathered every day. I could recognize the man, I was sure. But what if he came back after I left, and found his bear gone? I could leave a note. But could he read? I paced and worried.
Then, through the shrubs, stopping on the sidewalk, a blue form waited. I backed well away from the window. Hesitating, he parted the bushes and stooped down; but didn’t reappear.
I edged closer. There he knelt, talking to his bear. I couldn’t make out the words, but my imagination supplied some. After and few more sentences he took the little bear gently and hugged him in a long, slow, rocking-to-and-fro embrace. And then he left with his bear, while I stood by my window cheering aloud and wiping away tears."

08/08/2024

How did you learn to love?