08/20/2025
good GAWD I miss pats 😭
RED ALERT!
(begin internal monologue)
Josh, this is NOT a drill. All your training has led you to this moment. Go in the bathroom, splash some water on your face, look in the mirror… and repeat after me: “I was born for this.” Get out there and show them what you’re made of, you’ve got this.
(internal monologue over)
There are days in human history when the universe shifts on its axis and we remember exactly where we were.
- Mike Tyson biting off Holyfield’s ear, humanity gasped in unison.
- Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction, grandmothers clutched pearls, teenagers hit rewind, and Justin stood there with a dumb look on his face.
- Teresa Giudice flipping the table on Real Housewives, seismic activity registered in four states.
- Kanye’s “Imma let you finish” crash out, the world collectively said, “Only Beyoncé can fix this.” She tried, but failed.
- Oprah’s car giveaway, that wasn’t daytime television, that was the Book of Revelations in a studio audience.
And now… brace yourselves. Because today is one of those days. Today marks the start of the New York State Fair. Right here in Syracuse, New York.
Folks, this isn’t an event, this is prophecy. This is funnel cake communion. This is humanity at its sweatiest, stickiest, and most glorious. The gates are open, the sausage sandwiches are sizzling, and destiny, destiny my friends, tastes like wine slushies.
This goes way beyond strolling through the mall to people watch. This is Olympic-level competitive gawking. Only the most seasoned professional rubberneckers make it past the ticket gates, and let me tell you, I can throw some neck (UPDATE: More on this line below in the comments).
Aside from the social aspect, where else can you eat something deep-fried, bacon-wrapped, and powdered-sugared before noon, and instead of judging you, strangers cheer like you just finished a marathon? The Great New York State Fair, that’s where.
Now let’s talk about the rides. Forget Six Flags, the real thrill is strapping yourself into a machine that was folded into a trailer yesterday and reassembled in a parking lot by a crew that runs on Mountain Dew and ni****ne.
And listen, I say that with love. The carnies are the reason for the season. They are out here making sure the Tilt-A-Whirl delivers maximum screams with minimum lawsuits. Every ride is held together by Gorilla Glue, spare car parts, and blind faith. Adrenaline junkies, that’s a rush you just can’t get at Disney.
And if you see me out there, don’t be afraid to say hi or give me a hug. Just know that in my head I’m narrating your outfit like Joan Rivers at the Grammys red carpet pre-show...
..Matching family T-shirts? Iconic. A giant plush prize tucked under your arm like a designer bag? Very chic. Wine slushie in one hand, fried dough in the other? Darling, that’s high fashion in Syracuse.
