Petticoats Lane Celebrations

20/04/2024

26/10/2023

16/03/2018

This is Mum.

Mum is helping Kipper to learn to read.

This is Kipper.

Kipper has no intention whatsoever of learning to read.

Mum sits down on the sofa and tells Kipper to come and sit next to her with his book.

Kipper leaps onto Mum's lap, elbows her roughly in the groin and knocks half a cup of cold tea over her.

Mum wipes cold tea out of her cleavages and asks Kipper to open the book.

Kipper tells Mum that he is "thirsty, so thirsty that I think I might DIE".

Mum gets Kipper a drink.

Mum asks Kipper to open the book.

Kipper tells Mum that he is going to wet himself "if I don't go to the toilet right NOW".

Kipper goes to the toilet.

Kipper comes back.

Mum asks Kipper if he washed his hands.

Kipper goes back to the toilet.

Mum asks Kipper if he washed his hands with soap.

Kipper goes back to the toilet.

Mum and Kipper sit down to read the book.

Mum reads the title of the book.

Kipper loses his s**t because he didn't get to read the title of the book.

Mum tells Kipper to calm the f**k down and asks him to read the first word on the page.

Kipper stares at the page for roughly half an eternity.

Mum checks that Kipper has not gone into some kind of hypnotic trance and suggests he tries reading the first letter instead.

"D," says Kipper.

Mum wildly applauds and tells Kipper to read the next letters.

"D...A...D," said Kipper.

Mum inwardly rejoices at the child prodigy she is clearly raising.

"And what does that say?" asks Mum.

"D...A...D...spells.................... PINEAPPLE!" shouts Kipper.

"F**k my life," says Mum.

There are two sentences and six words on the first page of Kipper's book.

It takes forty-two minutes to get to the end of the first page.

Kipper is yet to sound out a single word with even the vaguest modicum of accuracy.

Mum's soul was leached from her body and systematically shredded into tiny confetti-sized pieces approximately forty-one minutes and fifty-five seconds ago.

Dad comes home and sees Mum and Kipper on the sofa.

"Reading together!" exclaims Dad. "What fun! Aren't you lucky, having time to do that!"

Mum explains to Dad where she plans on inserting Kipper's reading book the next time he makes a f**king moronic statement like that.

Mum leaves Dad and Kipper with the reading book and goes into the kitchen.

"G...I...N," sounds out Mum.

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09/01/2017

White chair covers available to hire - this month only 80p each! No sashes included, just chair cover.

Additional charge for set up if required.

31/10/2016

Decorated the VIP room at The Chinese Buffet, Wakefield. 28/10/16.

13/09/2016

White chair covers to fit round and square backed chairs. Sashes not included. Contact us for your bespoke quotation. We can arrange to drop off or fit and collect. Set out your venue in style.

02/10/2015

**ONLY ONE LEFT - £30**
Loveheart hanger for your precious photographs. Handmade, bespoke. Speak to Ernest Jones staff or give us a call.

02/10/2015

So we're back supporting Ernest Jones in the White Rose Centre.
If your there between now and Sunday why not bag yourself some nice sweeties!

24/09/2015

Petticoats Lane Celebrations are proud to support the Macmillan Biggest Coffee Morning at UPS Pudsey. X