26/07/2026
🇬🇧 OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT POLICY ON KEYBOARD WARRIORS & PUB SLAGGING 🇬🇧
Issued by the Office of the Quiz Minister
Following an alarming rise in Facebook experts who have never set foot in the venue they’re criticising, the DJ Damo Government has announced the following reforms:
1. Citizens are reminded that one disagreement in a pub does not automatically make it “rough.”
2. Before commenting, “It’s gone downhill,” members of the public must first confirm they have actually visited the pub within the last 12 months.
3. Any individual sharing a Facebook post beginning with “I heard…” shall be required to provide evidence that extends beyond their mate’s cousin’s neighbour.
4. The government recognises that, unfortunately, when alcohol is involved, occasional arguments and incidents can happen in pubs across the country. One isolated incident shall not be used to define an entire business.
5. Citizens are reminded that many of the same people calling a venue “a dump” on Facebook are often found ordering a pint there the following weekend.
6. The DJ Damo Government reminds the public that landlords, landladies, managers, bar staff, security staff and entertainers spend countless hours creating safe, welcoming venues for the overwhelming majority of customers who simply want to enjoy a good night out.
7. Under no circumstances should the behaviour of one or two individuals be used to judge the hundreds of respectful customers who simply wanted a quiet drink, a laugh and a good night with friends.
8. Any citizen typing “I wouldn’t go in there if you paid me” shall first be asked why they continue commenting on every post about the venue.
9. The government reminds the nation that some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet can make poor decisions after a few too many drinks. Alcohol has an unfortunate habit of reducing patience, common sense and basic manners. Your son, daughter, boyfriend, girlfriend, mum, dad, auntie or uncle are no exception.
10. The DJ Damo Government encourages citizens to support their local pubs. They are often the heart of our communities, providing jobs, entertainment, friendships and somewhere for people to switch off from everyday life. The vast majority of nights pass without incident, even if those nights never make the local Facebook gossip pages.
The DJ Damo Government remains committed to supporting local pubs, rewarding common sense and reducing the national supply of Facebook experts.
The Department of Quiz Affairs considers this matter closed and will not be taking further questions from the press.
Signed,
The Rt. Hon. DJ Damo MP
Quiz Minister & Secretary of State for Common Sense, Local Pubs and Social Media Reality 🇬🇧🍺📋
