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31/08/2025

BOOK NOW! Glass Eye Comedy New Act/New Material on Tue 2nd Sep 2025 7:30pm (Edinburgh) at The Dove Street Inn, Saint Helen's Street, Ipswich, UK

31/08/2025

31/08/2025

Productivity Roundtable Declares David Pocock’s Shirtless Instagram a National Economic Threat

CANBERRA — Australia’s economy ground to a halt this week, and experts say it wasn’t inflation, interest rates, or even China’s slowdown behind it. No — the culprit was Senator David Pocock’s shirtless Instagram post.

On August 9, the ACT Senator and former Wallabies captain uploaded a series of thirst traps that economists now claim triggered the sharpest collapse in workplace productivity since records began.

“Our modelling shows output fell to zero the moment people unlocked their phones,” explained one economist, before suddenly locking eyes on Pocock’s torso and whispering, “Oh my God,” into the microphone. The roundtable was then adjourned for three hours while half the panel fanned themselves and the other half quietly wept.

Medical professionals say the human brain is simply not equipped to process the full scope of Pocock’s physique. “When you factor in that he’s not just an Adonis at 37, but also a sitting Senator, the average Australian experiences cognitive shutdown,” said Dr. Amelia Rhodes. “It’s like seeing Zeus holding a policy paper on superannuation reform. The body cannot cope.”

The Economic Reform Roundtable has now formally recommended that Parliament impose a “visual censure” on Pocock’s body, banning his deltoids from entering the Upper House in order to protect GDP.

Opponents, however, argue that his posts may be the key to solving the nation’s engagement crisis with politics. “For years, we’ve begged young Australians to pay attention to Parliament,” said one strategist. “Turns out all it took was a well-lit photo of Pocock’s abs.”

Markets remain volatile, with Treasury predicting a further downturn if Pocock so much as flexes in portrait mode.

What do you think — national liability or the only reason anyone’s paying attention to politics?

Share your thoughts below.

31/08/2025

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31/08/2025

🚨WORLDWIDE COMEDY NEWS🚨Episode 7🥳WCNEWS

Welcome to Worldwide Comedy News EP.7 !

1) Alan Dershowitz sues farmers market vendors for refusing to sell him a child
https://www.jokepit.com/articles/alan-dershowitz-sues-farmers-market-vendor-for-refusing-to-sell-him-child

2) Trump weighs up which country to bomb to distract from Epstein files
https://www.jokepit.com/articles/trump-weighs-up-which-country-to-bomb-to-distract-from-epstein-files

3) Disgusted Deity puts giant overturned glass atop humanity
https://www.jokepit.com/articles/disgusted-god-puts-giant-overturned-glass-atop-humanity

🤩 JokePit The Comedy Box Office - 'Supporting Comedy'
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'FIND THE BEST COMEDY NEWS' ON JOKEPIT

Powered by JokePit Connecting Comedy
Presented by Juliana Heng
Edited by Yash

31/08/2025

Erin Patterson Sentenced to 20 Years of Listening to Podcasts About Herself

VICTORIA — In what legal experts are calling “the harshest sentence ever handed down in Australian history,” Erin Patterson has officially been condemned to spend the next 20 years listening exclusively to podcasts about herself.

The punishment, delivered at the conclusion of the now-infamous mushroom trial, means Patterson will be forced to endure round-the-clock episodes hosted by people whose only qualifications are Googling “what is a death cap?” once in 2023.

“The court finds your behaviour reprehensible and your crimes unforgivable,” declared the judge, pausing dramatically as two dozen podcasters live-tweeted from the press gallery. “But the greatest cruelty is not life in prison. It’s subjecting you to 10,000 hours of slow, meandering banter recorded in someone’s kitchen, padded with five minutes of actual information stretched across an hour.”

Within minutes of the ruling, The Mushroom Cook, The Mushroom Trial, The Trial of Erin Patterson, The Case Of: Erin Patterson, Mushroom Murders, Mushroom Case Daily, and Erin Patterson: True Story all dropped “special emergency episodes” about the sentencing — each clocking in at 54 minutes to deliver roughly 12 seconds of usable content.

Patterson wept openly as her fate was read aloud. “Please, just give me the death penalty,” she begged the court. “I’ll eat my own Beef Wellington. Anything but this!”

Podcast fans, however, celebrated the verdict as a win for “citizen journalism,” with one listener commenting: “If she survives 20 years of this, she deserves a Walkley.”

Legal analysts say the sentence could set a precedent for future cases, warning that convicted criminals may soon be forced to listen to 20 seasons of true-crime podcasts about themselves — complete with jazzy intro music and ad breaks for meal kits.

What do you think — fitting punishment, or proof that podcasts have finally become cruel and unusual punishment?

Share your take below.

31/08/2025

Local Gym Teacher Suddenly the Hottest Property in the Staffroom After Taylor Swift Engagement Post

WARATAH — Waratah High School’s Mr. Phil Reid, a mild-mannered gym teacher best known for blowing a whistle too aggressively and occasionally forgetting to bring the dodgeballs, has become the unlikely heartthrob of the English department — and it’s all thanks to Taylor Swift.

When Swift announced her engagement to NFL star Travis Kelce with the caption “Your English teacher and your gym teacher are getting married”, the internet swooned. But inside Waratah High, the English faculty took it literally. Since then, Mr. Reid has been fielding a barrage of attention usually reserved for visiting authors and yearbook photographers.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” Reid admitted, after his third offer of home-baked muffins this week. “I’m just trying to supervise Year 9 PE without tripping over netball hoops, but suddenly everyone in the English block wants to know if I’ve got a ‘Blank Space’ this weekend.”

Colleagues in the English department insist it’s all in good fun, though witnesses say one senior teacher has already started drafting sonnets addressed “To My Beloved Gym Master.” Another was overheard whispering, “I knew he was trouble when he walked in… carrying a discus.”

Reid, who describes himself as “more a Meatloaf than a Swiftie,” admits he’s a little flustered by the attention. “One of them told me to ‘Shake It Off,’ but I’ve got no idea what that means. I thought they were talking about chalk dust.”

For now, Mr. Reid remains baffled but not unamused — and, according to reports, slightly more committed to ironing his polo shirts before work.

What do you think — is this gym teacher living every PE instructor’s dream, or just another victim of the Swiftie machine?

Drop your thoughts in the comments and share if you’d risk detention for Mr. Reid.

30/08/2025

Bob Katter Threatens To Punch Ancestry.com After DNA Test Reveals He’s Lebanese

CANBERRA — Outspoken politician Bob Katter has found himself in a very modern identity crisis after genealogy service Ancestry.com revealed that he is, in fact, 25% Lebanese. The results, which traced his paternal grandfather’s migration more than a century ago, appear to have pushed Katter into full meltdown mode.

“Oi, how dare you! I’ve knocked out websites for saying less than that!” Katter reportedly shouted at his laptop screen, shaking his fist at the ancestry results that listed his family line under the name Khittar. “My family’s been here for 140 years. And you’re telling me one of them was here for 141? I oughta sock you in your server port where the sun don’t shine.”

According to witnesses, the site automatically updated moments later, diplomatically reclassifying the senator as “100% a deep-fried dipsh*t.”

Katter, furious at what he considers digital defamation, has since announced his plan to build a time machine, travel back to the late 1800s, and prevent his grandfather from ever stepping foot in Australia. “I’ll make sure he never arrives,” Katter declared, before being reminded that doing so might erase his own existence. Scientists, however, say they’re keen to see him try, describing Katter’s worldview as “a perfect fit for the 19th century.”

At a later press conference, the politician doubled down on his anti-immigration stance, warning Australians about “the dangers of foreigners.” Ironically, his closing remark drove the point home: “Just today, one of them threatened to punch a journalist!”

Observers say Katter’s tirade may go down as the first recorded instance of a man attempting to physically assault a DNA test.

What do you think — righteous anger at a biased website, or just Bob Katter finally getting punched by history itself? Share your thoughts below.

30/08/2025

30/08/2025

Sean Lock was a brilliant stand-up comedian and writer admired for his originality, surrealism, and uncompromising voice.

Born in 1963, he worked various jobs before entering comedy, eventually becoming one of Britain’s most respected comics.

His stand-up tours, including Purple Van Man and Keep It Light, showcased a mix of sharp social commentary and imaginative flights of fancy.

Lock became widely recognized as a team captain on 8 Out of 10 Cats and 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, where his wit, inventiveness, and deadpan style made him a fan favorite.

His ability to improvise surreal jokes and deliver biting punchlines ensured he was never predictable.

Beyond panel shows, Lock wrote and starred in the sitcom 15 Storeys High, which gained cult status for its dark humor and unique style.

He also contributed to various television and radio programs, cementing his place as a versatile performer.

Lock was admired for his ability to balance intelligence with silliness, often turning bleak observations into laughter.

His legacy, cut short by his untimely death in 2021, lies in his fearless approach to comedy.

He remains remembered as a comedian’s comedian, whose originality and honesty left an indelible mark on British stand-up.

30/08/2025