11/08/2026
I’m going to tell you all a little something this morning, every year I give my brother Shane a few memory post throughout the year. Having a business in his legacy means I get to talk about him a lot aswell & not a day goes by that I don’t speak to him or mention him.
But what I’ve never done is told the devastation from the other side, my side. Mainly because it’s so painful to still explain it. But here we go:
Friday 11th August 2017, 9 years ago to the day I was living & working in London as a pub manager, stressful, tiring & genuinely a hard job. But I had lots of visitors from family, friends etc. My brother would visit but I swear it was for chunky pies & mash we had on the menu 😂 he loved them!
Until 9 years ago to the day I had the worst news of my entire life, around 3.15pm my brother was gone, i felt like my heart had been ripped out & shattered to a million pieces. I fell to the floor not knowing how I’d got there, someone screamed, it was me. I sat on my bathroom floor not knowing what to do, lost just sat there. I looked up at the sky & I swear the world just stopped. I had to travel through the Friday rush not seeing the busyness of rush hour London, I remember looking at people on the train going out their Friday evening, no care, some applying makeup, some having a snack & beer & I thought to myself my life have just been distroyed in seconds but these people will never know they are just living their life they don’t realise the person in front of them is completely helpless, completely heartbroken. They don’t know my brother will never do things again. The train from kings cross to Peterborough was rammed & then it wasn’t, I saw no one get off, I asked my aunts son in law who was getting me to my aunt & uncle to come home, where everyone had gone, he said they’ve all got off. I just nodded.
The devastation I was hit with when I got home, seeing both our parents lives crumbled, their heartbroken faces, my family’s heartbroken faces all around me. But my parents for them their boy was gone, 36 years of him & then nothing. That destroyed me, I knew I had to hold everyone up.
We are taught how to tie our shoes but no one teaches you how to grieve, how can they? We are who we are, our bodies will grieve how it wants us to grieve. Time doesn’t heal you. But since that day I became more forgetful, I didn’t sleep for more then one to hours for a year, I blamed myself, I would have bad & panic dreams that I would wake up crying not knowing what I’d just dreamt about, I started sleeping walking something I’d not done since I was a kid. I would drink into oblivion to forget so that I could sleep but it didn’t work all I did was cry myself to sleep. I didn’t cry for weeks when I returned to work, everyone was so quiet with me, through worry. I couldn’t face people hearing I’m sorry, which is a nice gesture & we all do it, but I couldn’t hear it. I started therapy only two sessions. I had, we all have had bad days, something will trigger & you’re sad.
But over the years I’ve raise money in his memory for CALM & we support The Bearded Fisherman.
9 years ago my brother took his own life & my heart aches still, the pieces didn’t mend, he’s never seen my business grow all for him, he will not see me marry, I miss his laugh, he had the best laugh, I miss his face, I miss his doucheness, I miss everything about him even his grumpy days. I carry some of his ashes around with me everyday. I know I’ll never be the same & my biggest regret is I couldn’t save him.
The world doesn’t set you up for the heartache, the life changing seconds, the gut wrenching pain we face but I can at least try & save others from the everlasting pain. A couple of years ago I ran or attempted to run with a bad foot London’s landmarks half marathon. I did it in just over 3 hours. April 2027 marks ten years since the half marathon started & it’ll be almost 10 years since losing my best friend, my biggest support, Shane so I decided to run for CALM (campaign against living miserably) & secured my spot. So I’m asking for donations to help me hit the target for the charity that helped support us through a s**t time, I’ll also be wearing something to support the bearded fishermen & get them out there.
If you can spare a few quid I’d be eternally grateful & totally understand If not but please could you share away for me. I’m about to begin my training. Let’s see if I can reach my target. I’ll be taking donations through cash to I just send it into just giving. We was given our first £10 by a lovely couple who also are food traders, nothings too big or too small. Thank you 💜
Help Talia Thornberry raise money to support CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably)
