03/09/2018
I feel eroded and threadbare. I'm going to unpack some stuff here. I'm not normally one to do this but maybe that's part of the problem and this will help.
The last three months have been taxing. Our pup Mona developed brain cancer while already dealing with diabetes and heart failure. Terminal illness is a funny thing - you fight it, make the best of it, and don't give up...until you have to give up. It's a dissonance I can't quite resolve. And throughout it you're questioning everything - whether the extra moments (and treats and love) are worth it to her when it comes at the cost of extra seizures and other issues. The bank account adds a whole other dimension of guilt and anxiety.
Then when it over and we're dealing with the pain and the loss and the relief - just when it feels like I can catch a breath - our other dog Oscar becomes seriously ill. This one comes with an extra gut punch: if we can wait out another day, a couple of days, a week, maybe two it may pass on it's own and he'll be fine OR it won't and we'll have just been prolonging his suffering.
And through out all of this I have had my 6th surgery looming over me. This one to try to determine and fix what's causing severe neuropathy in my hand. All the tests they run show there is a problem but they can't pin down the cause. It feels like the surgeon is itching to start digging around in my arm to see what he can find. It does not fill me with confidence about the outcome.
So if you got to this part you're probably wondering what this photo has to do with any of this. All of our experiences indelibly mark us. However, these last few months have felt more like a grinding or scarring, almost as if they tangibly reduced me in some way. I carved out an hour from the working and the nursing to do some photography for myself to see if that was true.
