02/01/2021
What to Tell the Children
One of the most frequently asked questions when somebody that is loved has died is “How do I tell the children?”
We are always worried that children will be devastated by a loved one’s death; that they won’t understand; and we just want to protect them. Amazingly, though, children often handle death better than we do as adults. It is when we exclude them, or try to hide things from them, that they become frightened, hurt, feel rejected and left out.
They need to be included and told as soon as possible, preferably by someone close to them. They need to be told the truth and the reality of it all, not be told fairy tales or half truths that just confuse them. But what and how we tell them depends very much on their age and their level of understanding.
Up to the age of about six years old
Very young children have no conception of the finality of death. Their only experience is probably through cartoon characters when they see them blown to pieces then suddenly be there again for the next adventure. When it becomes close and personal though, they DO feel loss and grief and CAN understand sadness. They need to understand that it is okay to feel sad and need lots of hugs and reassurance that everyone else is still there for them. Questions will come up such as “What does it mean to die?”, “Why do we die?” To be dead simply means that a person can no longer do normal things – they can’t talk, or eat, or walk, and, if they have been sick or in pain, they no longer have that hurt. We need to explain that all living creatures die, it is part of life – we are born, we grow, and blossom, then fade – just like flowers in the garden, or when pets die. It is okay to feel sad when this happens, especially with people.
It is also important to point out that people who die are usually old, but it sometimes happens that people are badly hurt or get very sick. Even though doctors and nurses try very hard, they may not always be able to make them well again.
It is wise to answer children’s questions as they arise – simply and honestly, without going into too much detail. If they want more they will come back and ask for more. They may ask the same questions over again as they often need that repetition to help them understand.
Six to ten years of age
Children of this age will often react to death the same way adults do. They may feel shock and anger; they may deny that the death has occurred; they blame other people; or feel guilty for some interaction that has occurred between themselves and the person who has died. Often though, they are not able to understand their own moods and emotions. They may regress in their behaviour; become aggressive to family or playmates; destroy things; or throw tantrums.
Their grief can manifest itself in many ways and that is why it is important to let them see that you are grieving too; to share your feelings and your tears; and to let them know that it is okay to cry and okay to talk about how we feel and the person who has died.
This age of children can also be very curious about the physical aspects of death and funerals, and it is important that their questions be answered truthfully so that there is no fear of the unknown. Yes, it needs to be done gently, but they need to know what is to be expected if they are to be involved in a viewing and a ceremony, and attending the funeral should be encouraged.
The difference between cremation and burial should also be explained. Out of respect for the person who has died, it can be said that the person’s body or “house” is gently placed in a coffin and either buried or cremated. With burial the coffin is lowered into the ground and covered and the body or “house” gradually wears away until all that is left are bones in the ground. With a cremation the coffin is carefully placed in a special kiln and gently burned until all that is left are small pieces of bone that are placed in a container and can be kept by the family or disposed of according to the person’s wishes.
Answering questions honestly and simply is the key to helping this age group through their grief. Ask them if they understand what you have said and let them know they can ask more questions at any time. if you don’t know the answers to their questions, tell them that but then find out for them.
Children over the age of eleven and teenagers
Children in this range should be treated as adults and, like adults, will have difficulty understanding their reactions and emotions. They will often cut themselves off, but it is important to not be afraid to cry in front of them and to talk openly about death and about the deceased person. Do not force them to contribute to conversations, but perhaps ask their opinions on when and how things might be done, or what they think about arrangements being made, but, again, don’t force them. Asking them for help or for hugs when you need them yourself will often help them to express their own feelings.
It is a good idea to let the school, or groups that your child is involved with, know that someone close has died in case they need someone outside of the family to talk to. And sometimes literature just left lying around can help, too.
So, how do we help our children grieve? Just by being there, sharing your grieving with them, letting them know that it is okay to show their grief, including them by giving them a special job to do, and answering their questions in simple terms, and, above all, show your love for them and let them know you are there for them.
