04/21/2022
LONG POST ALERT: 11 years ago today, I faced ONE of the Hardest decisions of my life. Don't get me wrong, there had been plenty of hard choices before, but not like this. This one was mine and mine alone. My parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends could not help me make this decision and this one involved life and death, it involved ME, did I want to LIVE, or was I ready to roll over, give up on anything and everything and die? None of the other difficult decisions involved death, let alone MY DEATH, but here I was faced with just that. (For those of you that don't know MY story, here we go! I think I share a little more of my story every year.)
To really get the whole story, I'm going to back it up a few days, to April 17th, 2011...this is the beginning of my hardest decision. On April 17th, my then boyfriend and I got into a huge fight and he and our roommate left the house. (At this point in my addiction, I had already pushed anyone and everyone away.) I was left at the house alone and it was more apparent than ever just how alone I was. So, the dark thoughts started creeping in, you know the ones I'm talking about! The thought that no one would miss me and everyone would be better of if I wasn't around fu***ng things up all the time, oh the tricks our mind and addiction will play. So, I went to my bedroom, wrote my su***de note and proceeded to take an entire, brand new, bottle of Tylenol PM and chase it with a pint of vodka. I then decided that I was going to enjoy a cigarette on the front porch while I waited for everything to kick in and I fell asleep. So, I did, I went outside on the front porch, that's when the boyfriends brother, and his girlfriend, showed up.I remember him asking me over and over what I took and I kept telling him nothing. Then, I went to go to my room to get away from him, as soon as I opened the door, I projectile vomited, BLUE, all over the carpeted stairs. Then I blacked out, so I don't know who called 911, but someone did. Now, because of where we lived, on the county line of Cobb, Paulding and Douglas, both Paulding and Douglas Ambulances showed up. I don't remember a whole lot of what went on after I vomited or when the Ambulances showed up, but I do remember the EMT's asking me which hospital I wanted to go to. I remember saying, "Douglas because it's nicer." I then remember walking towards the ambulance, but then nothing, I don't remember getting in the ambulance or the ride or getting to the hospital. The next thing I remember is waking up in the ER with IV's in my arms and a young man sitting in my door watching me because I am a 1013 patient now. For those of you that have never heard of a 1013, consider yourself lucky first of all, it means that I was on su***de watch, I have proven that I am a danger to myself. (this is April 18th by this time) Then I guess, after getting sick again, I went back to sleep because the next thing I remember is the doctor being in my room. I remember BEGGING HIM not to send me back to rehab, promising that I would never do this again, etc...but what really stands out is what happened next. The doctor got so close to me I could feel his breath on my face when he said, " Honey, I don't even know if you are going to make it through the night, let's focus on that right now." I remember that I then laid back down and went back to sleep, but I remember thinking, as I was going back to sleep, "OH S**T, I REALLY F***ED UP THIS TIME " The next thing I remember, I was waking up in the ICU ON April 20th, to a nurse saying, "We don't usually let people in your situation take phone calls, but I think you need to take this one." I remember my heart sinking and feeling like a little girl who just got in trouble, again, and I didn't even know who was on the other end of the phone. Well, the person on the other end of the phone was MY DADDY. The person who continued to take my drunken phone calls when everyone else had stopped, the one who was always there to pick me up no matter how many times I failed/fell, the one who was always calm, cool and collected, who rarely raised his voice, my rock, but there was a tone in his voice that was very unfamiliar to me, I had never heard this tone before and I was scared. But this tone made me listen, and remember EXACTLY what he said to me that day. He said, "I want you to hear me, and I mean really hear me. I WILL NOT BURY MY DAUGHTER, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?" I wipered out that I had heard him and I promised him that I would never drink again. Then, 89 days later was the worst day of my life, my rock, my strength, MY DADDY passed away., suddenly. He never really got to see me sober, but he is part of my motivation to stay sober, I mean I CANNOT break a promise to my deceased Daddy.
I am sharing my story, not for congratulations and praise, but for those people, friends and acquaintances and their friends, who are in the same place I was on April 17th and ALL the days before. I am sharing my story so that if you or someone you know is in that situation/place, you know that you are not alone, things can and will get better and I will be there, if you want me to be. Shoot me a message, or give me a call, whatever you are more comfortable with and I will help, as much as I can. If you decide to reach out to me, please know that what you tell me and what we discuss is between you and me, unless you want someone else to know, and we can discuss that too. YOU ATE NOT ALONE AND YOU ARE LOVED.
2 YEARS AGO, I lost my bestest friend in the whole world to her alcoholism, she unfortunately lost her battle with her addiction and I have lost too many other friends to their addiction, I am tired of burying my friends and I don't want to bury any more! If you are not comfortable reaching out to me, find someone who you are comfortable with and reach out to them, I don't care who you reach out to, as long as you reach out.
GOD grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.
