10/06/2015
9 SELF-DESTROYING THINGS WE SHOULD AVOID IN A RELATIONSHIP:
It’s a really common problem, and being unhappy with the way things are going in relationships often has a lot to do with some specific things people do that repel their own happiness.
Here are nine things you do that are happiness repellers — you’re guaranteed a happier relationship WITHOUT them:
1. Lose sight of what the relationship you really want.
Sometimes when we’re knee deep in things with another person, we don’t stop to think about how we want our life to really go. When you don’t know what you want, you have zero chance of getting something good. You’ll get whatever comes along, not what you’re specifically looking for.
2. Sacrifice your own happiness for someone else’s.
A good relationship has a lot of give and take. If you’re always the one giving, you have to step back and think about why. Do you want to give or is it a veiled attempt to “give to get”, hoping that someone else will meet your needs? Or is it because you’re afraid the whole thing will fall apart if you stop? Occasional sacrifice is fine and healthy, but perpetual sacrifice — or becoming the martyr in your relationship — is not.
3. Use past relationship failure and heartache as an excuse for not trying.
Look, I get that sometimes you need to give yourself the chance to lick your wounds after heartbreak. It’s normal. It’s just important that your time doesn’t get swallowed up by it. If you go all “fallen warrior of love”, you’re sabotaging your own happiness. Spend more time in the present instead of dwelling on past relationship failures.
4. Concentrate on all the things you don’t have.
If you go around complaining about what you lack, you’ll attract more dissatisfaction. If you can’t stop thinking about the better life you think you’d have with more things, bring yourself back to the present moment and consider how great things already are now. It’s hard to feel lack if you seriously cultivate gratitude — partnered up or not.
5. Let your inner critic take the wheel.
Our worst enemies DEFINITELY live inside our own heads. I have yet to meet someone who completely lacks an inner critic. The key is to let your critic have its say, neutralize it and move on in a healthy direction. When we act on the critic’s negative evaluation of every situation, that’s when we get into trouble.
6. Worry what other people think.
If your relationship is good and you’re happy with it, don’t compare it to other people. Just don’t. Don’t worry about what other people think about it either. Don’t keep up with the Joneses.
What looks perfect from the outside usually isn’t from the inside. Now, if someone has a legitimate reason to think your beloved is a real nasty person, take it seriously. But unless it’s serious, just let them see that you’re happy.
The same goes for perfectionism. Don’t make the person you’re with jump through hoops to do whatever you decide. Enjoy them. They’re comfortable and truly themselves around you when you let them.
7. Dwell on things beyond your control.
Let it go. Distract yourself if necessary. Focus on the things that you have direct control over like your own behavior, thoughts and feelings. That’s enough to worry about without you having to enact Draconian control over every area of your life. When we’re too focused on guiding another’s behavior, we often forget to examine our own.
8. Choose negative partners.
If you pick someone negative as your romantic partner, get ready to deal with a lot of negativity and change in that direction yourself. Maybe you’re an optimist now, but over time, you’ll feel unhappy as a result of their dissatisfaction — whether you started that way or not. Choose better. Sometimes it’s not a popular opinion, but I advocate ditching negative people at every turn. Turns out I have a nicer life, and I don’t miss the drama.
9. Hold grudges.
Staying angry about that thing they did or said six months ago is helping no one. Neither is bringing up something they did that you both already have talked about 600 times. When you hold a grudge, you adopt a victim mentality that doesn’t really serve you in any positive way.
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
― Gautama Buddha
