Falmer

Falmer Ex-Private Chef… DJ… DUMB B**CH
📧 [email protected]
It’s only cringy till it works

29/05/2026

THE REAL REASON WHY I WEAR THIS APRON…

ALSO… ISRAEL SHIPPING IS BACK LIVE ON MY WEBSITE FOR THE APRON

27/05/2026

JEWS AROUND THE WORLD

Episode 17: Brazil (Cuscus Nordestino com Charque)

- 400 grams charque or salt beef
- 2 cups flaked pre-cooked cornmeal (flocão de milho pré-cozido)
- 0.8 cups (180ml) warm water
- 0.5 tsp salt
- 2 tbsp neutral oil
- 1 white onion, finely sliced
- 3 garlic cloves, minced
- 0.3 tsp black pepper
- 0.3 cups fresh coriander or parsley, roughly chopped
- 150g queijo coalho (or halloumi), sliced

1. Cut charge or substitute for salt beef into large chunks. Place into a pot with bay leaf, garlic and peppercorns… cover with cold water and bring to boil. Scrape the scum off the top and cook for 20-25 mins
2. Drain the cooked charge / salt beef and let cool slightly. Using two forks or with hands, shred the meat into rough strips. Set aside
3. In a large bowl, combine flaked pre-cooked cornmeal with 0.8 cups warm water with salt and mix with hands or a fork until the meal clumps when pressed… it should hold its shape but not too watery or sticky. Let rest for 5 mins
4. Heat oil in a frying pan over medium-high heat. Add onions, and cook for 5 mins. Add garlic and stir for 1 minute. Add shredded salt beef, stir everything together and cook for further 5 mins, season with black pepper and adjust to taste
5. Line steamer mould with baking paper and oil the sides of the pan generously with oil. Scoop in about half of the corneal mixture and press down firmly with hands, making sure it goes up the sides
6. Scoop in salt beef and onion mixture into the well in the middle… don’t overfill it. Leave about a 1cm gap from the corneal wall
7. Cover with the remaining cuscus onto of the beef and press down firmly so it seals everything in. Press down pretty firmly so the two layers bond together… which is important so it doesn’t fall apart when you flip it
8. Cover the top tightly with foil and crimp the edges, then place a lid on top and steam for 20 mins
9. After it’s cooked, run a knife around the edges so it’s more loose. Place a lid on top and flip it over it should slide out and you’ll have dome with hidden beef inside
10. ENJOY

26/05/2026

ARGUABLY THE ONLY KEBAB WORTH KNOWING HOW TO MAKE

PERSIAN KOOBIDEH

Ad DONE CORRECTLY ON THE

- 500g lamb mince (20% fat minimum)
- 1/2 onion, finely grated
- 0.5 tsp turmeric
- 1 tsp sumac
- 0.5 tsp black pepper
- 0.5 tsp salt
- 0.1 tsp bicarbonate of soda

- 1 large red onion, cut into thin slices
- 1 tsp sumac
- 0.5 tsp salt
- 1.5 tbsp olive oil

- 150g whole cherry tomatoes
- 1 green peppers, cut into chunks
- 1.5 tbsp olive oil
- 0.5 tsp sumac (for the veg)
- 20 grams unsalted butter // margarine

1. Grate 1/2 onion into clean tea towel and squeeze out as much liquid as possible
2. In a large bowl combine lamb mince, onions, turmeric, sumac, black pepper, salt and bicarbonate soda. Mix with your hands for 5 mins until mixture is sticky and paste like… it should hold its shape
3. Cover and place in the fridge for around 30 mins
4. Toss veg with olive oil and sumac, thread onto flat metal skewers. Either alternating veg or same veg on different skewers
5. With wet hands, grab a tennis ball sized amount of meat and press firmly around the skewer, working it down the skewer with wet hands to ensure it’s all even throughout. Once done, with wet hands, press down with your middle finger and index finger to create little grooves down the koobideh. Place in the fridge for 30 mins to firm up before grilling
6. Set up Big Green Egg for direct grilling at 230–250°C (450–480°F)
7. Place meat skewers directly over the flame, and turn every 30 seconds… be careful not to burn them! Turning every 30 seconds will ensure even cooking throughout, and do this for a total of around 3-5 mins
8. Once finished, remove skewers and brush generously with melted butter
9. Place veg skewers directly above the coals and let blister and caramelise slightly for extra flavour
10. Lay lavash bread flat onto the grill and warm up for 30 seconds each side with the lid closed. To assemble, lay lavash flat, add sumac onions, then grilled veg, then lay koobideh and finally lay the top half of the lavash onto and slide the skewers off
11. ENJOY

IT IS BETTER TO FAIL IN ORIGINALITY THAN TO SUCCEED IN IMITATION BE SOMEONE PEOPLE REMEMBER… JOIN THE FAMILYLINK IN BIO
25/05/2026

IT IS BETTER TO FAIL IN ORIGINALITY THAN TO SUCCEED IN IMITATION

BE SOMEONE PEOPLE REMEMBER… JOIN THE FAMILY

LINK IN BIO

24/05/2026

YOU CAN NOW BE A DUMB BITCH TOO

AVAILABLE IN OLIVE / LILAC / SAPPHIRE

VIA MY WEBSITE IN THE LINK IN BIO

22/05/2026

SHABBAT SHALOM & CHAG SAVUOT SAMEACH

BAMBA ICE CREAM CAKE

(BAMBA & HALVA SEMIFREDO)

- 4 eggs, separated
- 120g caster sugar
- 400ml double cream
- 80g smooth unsweetened peanut butter
- 150g halva (plain or vanilla), crumbled
- 80g Bamba, plus extra to serve
- 3 tbsp honey
- 2 tbsp tahini
- 1 tsp vanilla extract
- 1 pinch flaky sea salt

1. Line a 900g loaf tin with two layers of clingfilm, having some hanging over. Place in freezer whilst you prep everything else
2. Gently warm peanut butter with tahini together stirring until combined. Stir in pinch of salt and set aside to coo;, it should be fluid but not hot when you use it
3. In separate bowl, whisk egg yolks, caster sugar and vanilla extract using electric whisk for about 4-5 mins until ribbon-like, pale and thick
4. In a separate bowl whip double cream to soft peaks, it should hold shape but not stiff
5. In another bowl, whisk egg whites to stiff peaks
6. Gently fold whipped cream into egg yolk mixture in two additions, keeping as much air as possible
7. Add 80g crushed bamba with 75g crumbled halva into semifredo mixture
8. Pour half the mixture into prepared loaf tin, drizzle half peanut butter mixture on-top and add remaining semifredo mixture on-top… finishing with peanut butter and smooth the top
9. Fold the cling film over the top to cover and freeze for minimum of 6 hours, overnight is preferred
10. Remove from freezer 8-10 mins before serving, lift out using clingfilm overhand and flip onto a serving plate. Drizzle with honey and scatter remaining bamba and halva crumbs
11. ENJOY

21/05/2026

✡️ CHAG SHAVUOT SAMEACH ✡️

HALVA BURNT BASQUE CHEESECAKE

- 900g full-fat cream cheese, room temperature
- 250g caster sugar
- 5 large eggs, room temperature
- 300ml double cream
- 120g good-quality raw tahini (well-stirred)
- 25g plain flour
- 1 tsp vanilla extract
- 0.5 tsp fine sea salt
- 180g vanilla halva, crumbled

1. Preheat oven to 210 (fan) degrees celsius // 230 degrees celsius conventional oven // 450 degrees Fahrenheit, grease a 9-inch tin and line it with two overlapping sheets of baking paper, pressing them into the base with sides up
2. Beat room temp cream cheese and caste sugar together on medium speed for 2-3 mins until completely smooth
3. Add 5 large eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition on medium/low speed. Mixture should look silky
4. Pour in 120g tahini and mix until well combined. Then add double cream, vanilla extract and salt. Don’t overheat, you want a few air bubbles
5. Sift in 25g plain flour over the batter and fold in gently
6. In a food processor, blitz the halva and tahini together till it forms a smooth runny paste. Once blitzed, add to cream mixture and mix until fully combined
7. Bake for 50-52 mins until the top is a deep brown (slightly burnt) top, the centre should still have a proper wobble, it will firm as it sets
8. Remove from the oven and leave to cool completely at room temperature. Once cooled, place in fridge for at least 4 hours, overnight is better
9. Take out of the fridge 20-30 mins before serving
10. ENJOY

20/05/2026

JERRY SEINFELD SOUP

SOUP NAZI’S MULLIGATAWNY

- 3 tbsp neutral oil
- 2 white onions, finely diced
- 6 garlic cloves, minced
- 2 tbsp fresh ginger, grated
- 1 Granny Smith apple, peeled and diced small
- 2 carrots, finely diced
- 2 celery stalks, finely diced
- 2 tbsp Madras curry powder
- 1 tsp ground cumin
- 1 teaspoons ground coriander
- 0.5 tsp turmeric
- 1 tsp black pepper, freshly ground
- 0.3 tsp cayenne pepper
- 200g red lentils, rinsed
- 1.5L good quality chicken stock
- 400ml full fat coconut milk
- 4 bone-in chicken thighs
- 1 lemon, juiced
- 1 cups fresh coriander, roughly chopped

- 150g basmati rice, cooked (to serve)
- 1 pinch salt
- 1 teaspoons whole black peppercorns
- 10 fresh curry leaves

1. Place 4 bone-in chicken thighs into a pot with 1.5L chicken stock, with whole peppercorns. Bring to a gentle boil and poach for 25 mins - remove chicken, strip meat off bones and shred. Set aside and keep remaining stock
2. In a large heavy bottomed pot, put in oil over medium heat, add onions and cook for 14 mins until soft
3. Add garlic, fresh ginger, curry leaves and cook for 7 mins until fragrant. Add apples, carrots, celery and cook for further 5 mins
4. Add madras curry powder, cumin, black pepper and cayenne pepper into pot and stir constantly for 1.5 mins
5. Add 200g red lentils, and stir remaining stock, bring to a boil and reduce on a strong simmer. Cook uncovered for 20-25 mins until lentils have broken down
6. Using a stick blender, blitz 40% of soup leaving rest for texture. Pour in 400ml coconut milk, shredded chicken and stir through… simmer for 10 mins
7. Season with pinch of salt and 1 lemon juiced, adjust to taste. Place a neat mound of 150g basmati rice cooked, in centre of each bowl and ladle soup on-top. Garnish with fresh coriander
8. ENJOY

THE FACE BEHIND THE FOOD… THE VOICE BEHIND THE MOVEMENT… THE DUMB BITCH BEHIND IT ALL 📸
19/05/2026

THE FACE BEHIND THE FOOD… THE VOICE BEHIND THE MOVEMENT… THE DUMB BITCH BEHIND IT ALL

📸

18/05/2026

JEWS AROUND THE WORLD

Episode 16: Greece 🇬🇷 (Borrekitas de Merendjéna)

- 200g plain flour
- 50ml neutral oil (sunflower or light olive oil)
- 50ml warm water
- 0.3 tsp fine salt (for dough)
- 1.5 large aubergines (eggplants)
- 100g feta cheese, crumbled
- 1 egg (for filling)
- 1.3 garlic cloves, minced
- 1 tbsp fresh parsley, finely chopped
- 0.3 tsp black pepper
- 0.2 tsp salt (for filling, to taste)
- 1 egg yolk (for glazing)
- 1 tablespoons sesame seeds (for topping)

1. Char eggplants (aubergines)… place directly over a gas flame or under a very hot grill. Turn occasionally with tongs until the skin is completely blackened and charred all over, flesh should feel very soft when pressed
2. Transfer charred eggplant to a bowl and cover with clingfilm for 10 mins, then peel the skin off, discard the charred skin
3. Gentle squeeze the fresh in your hands to remove as much liquid as possible
4. In a bowl combine chopped eggplant, crumbled feta cheese, egg, garlic, parsley, black pepper and salt, until evenly mixed. Taste the filing, it should be smoky, savoury and well-seasoned. Set aside to cool completely
5. combine plain flour and salt in separate bowl. In a separate smaller bowl whisk together neutral oil and warm water, pour the liquid into the flour and mix with a fork, then bring it all together with your hands into a smooth, soft dough
6. Shape the dough into a ball, place in bowl and cover with clean cloth for 30 mins at room temperature
7. Preheat oven to 180 degrees celsius (350°F), line 2 baking trays with parchment paper. Divided dough into 4 portions, working one portion at a time, whilst others are covered, roll out onto a lightly floured surface to about 3mm thickness. Cut circle using a 8-9cm round cutter or rim of a glass
8. Place a heaped tsp of filling into the centre of each circle, fold the dough over to form a half-moon crescent shape. Press edges firmly together, then crimp with a fork to seal. Place on lined baking trays and repeat with remaining dough and filling
9. Beat egg yolk, with a splash of water. Brush each lightly on-top and sprinkle with sesame seeds. Bake 25-28 mins, let rest for 10 mins
10. ENJOY

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